A Critical Parable

Though the following was used with youth ministry in mind, many people in leadership roles within the church fall into the same trap. Too many of us aren’t honest with ourselves, so we don’t accept our weaknesses. Many struggle with knowing how to handle objective criticism; rather than learn from their mistakes, they ignore them or push them under the rug. Consider the following:

Originally seen on www.YouthMinistry.com (used with permission)

Once there was a youth worker who, for the most part, loved her job. She loved building relationships with her youth, she loved teaching volunteers how to engage youth, she loved helping parents learn better ways to disciple their children, among many other things.

She had taken over a thriving group a year before, after the last youth director retired. Though the group had decreased in numbers, that was supposed to be expected, right? After all, the group had been in transition. And the kids who were showing up really wanted to be there!

Though she loved her job, she didn’t like all of it. She was free spirited, so she couldn’t understand when people got angry that she missed a deadline. She would often make excuses why the material that was supposed to be planned and communicated by such and such a date wasn’t ready to go after all. But what was the big deal? She had it under control. Why couldn’t these people get off her back and let her do her job when she wanted to do it? People loved her creativity and enthusiasm, but the people who worked closely with her often couldn’t handle her last-minute nature. She couldn’t help but criticize them for their lack of flexibility. She didn’t see what the big deal was. She was getting it done. They were the ones with the problem. Their expectations of her were ridiculous and irrelevant.

Then there was the youth worker down the street from that other church. She’d been there for a little over a year. She, too, loved her job for the same reasons the other girl did. She understood that she couldn’t be everything to everyone, so she spent most of her time pouring into the volunteers to help them disciple every youth in the church. She effectively communicated with parents and loved to help them understand the youth culture. She loved her team! 

She took over when the last person who did the job moved away. Though there was a breaking in period, the group had actually grown a bit. The kids often brought their friends. And what was even greater was that she was able to recruit more volunteers.

But she had her weaknesses, too. She was free-spirited and often struggled with deadlines. She had a tough time finding traction, and she had to discipline herself to get the day to day stuff accomplished. But when someone approached her with their concerns, she, along with her team, strategized to help her overcome her deficiencies. She surrounded herself with people who cared about her and the youth ministry to help her be accountable to them and to herself. She realized that the bar was set high, but with the help of her team, she was able to successfully maintain a healthy rhythm in her ministry.

How do you handle criticism?

What is ABCD?

After reading the book, Community—The Structure of Belonging by Peter Block, I’ve been consumed with learning more about ways to live in and build better community (for myself and others). Shortly after having been transformed by the words I read, I also became interested in Asset-Based Community Development. Though Peter Block didn’t coin this term, his book certainly echoes the sentiments that ABCD encapsulates. What is Asset-Based Community Development and why is it important for the Church?

First, before I try to explain, please know that I am only reflecting on how I’ve been impacted by what I’ve recently learned. I am in no way an expert in ABCD, so I highly recommend that you familiarize yourself by reading about Asset-Based Community Development independently. I would start with books from John McKnight and/or Peter Block.

How many times have you critiqued something by pointing out its flaws or weaknesses? When was the last time you’ve asked yourself how you’ve been responsible for things being the way they are? How many times have you thought, “Well, if only we had this, or got that, we’d be o.k.”, or “If we only got this expert to fix it”, or “We need to get rid of the guy in charge because someone else will do a better job at fixing things.”? Let me assure you, all of this is typical.

But what is special about Asset-Based Community Development? Well, for one thing, we focus on what we have, not what we don’t have. We celebrate our diversity and our gifts, rather than focus on our shortcomings. We use our gifts and talents to achieve endless possibilities. We celebrate today, rather than celebrate the romanticized past through nostalgia. We are accountable to ourselves because we take responsibility for our current situation. We don’t play the blame game.

Though this is a crude and inadequate summary of what Asset-Based Community Development is, I’m hopeful that churches will recognize the authority on which ABCD is established: Love, patience, grace, and mercy. I hope that the future will be ushered in with more communities practicing the tenants of Asset-Based Community Development.

What I Didn’t Learn in Geometry, I Learned at Church

Adapted from an earlier article from Melissa published by youthministry.com <http://www.youthministry.com/articles/leadership/what-i-didnt-learn-geometry-i-learned-church>

Triangulation. It’s the classic killer of many ministries. Person A tells something to Person B, and Person B takes it to Person C. The problem is exponentially exacerbated when Person C actually holds court in the first place with Person B. There are many different forms of Triangulation, but it’s even scarier when the main culprit adding fuel to the fire is your rector.

The best way to avoid triangulation is to simply adopt the biblical principle in Matthew 18. If you have an issue with another person, don’t go behind that person’s back and stir up trouble. Rather, go to that person one on one. If the conflict cannot be resolved, then, and only then, do you take a group of people as witnesses to help mediate. The verse also mentions seeking a spiritual leader as the third course of action. Though many pastors are excellent at sniffing out potential triangulators and refuse to hold court with such persons, I know many ministers get sucked into it—sometimes even unintentionally.

A clergy person may feel that it’s her or his duty to adhere to an open-door policy with her or his congregation. Clergy are often trapped into listening to people complain about a member of his or her staff (paid or volunteer). Sometimes parents feel offended by, threatened by, inconvenienced by, the decisions youth ministers or Sunday school teachers make regarding their children. Sometimes a choir member disagrees with a call the Minister of Music has made. But what is happening the minute a priest has heard these complaints and then, in turn, brings those concerns to the staff member or volunteer after the fact? Plain and simple: triangulation.

Instead, clergy should make it an expectation that no complaints may be brought forth unless the person(s) has first spoken with the offending party. Then, if the problem has still not been rectified, the priest should set up a meeting with the complaining party AND the offending party, together. This policy needs to be universally incorporated into the culture of the church.

What happens if the complainant doesn’t want to talk directly with the offending party? The priest needs to kindly shepherd them by explaining our biblical model for conflict resolution. If the complainants still do not wish to speak with the rector and offending party in the same room, then the rector needs to hold the line. Yes, it’s extreme, but the complainants shouldn’t be given a forum to address their issues unless they have gone about it properly. Anything outside of this model is truly beyond the realm of the example Christ would have us live by.

What should you do if you suspect that your church is perpetuating triangulation? First, thank God that it hasn’t sunk your ship…yet. Second, speak to your program and pastoral staff of your church and remind everyone of Matthew 18. Strategize with them about ways that you, as a team, can start promoting the new expectation of conflict resolution for the congregation. Finally, pray that the church has the strength to follow the guideline with grace and mercy.

What a Relief!

The new youth minister is finally arriving!

I know it can feel like such a relief when the new person is starting after your church has spent months, and in some cases more than a year, searching for the perfect youth director. But before you hand everything over to the new guy or gal, there are a few things you should consider before throwing them to the wolves. And yes, that’s what it’s comparable to if you don’t heed some good advice.

First, the newbie needs support, and a lot of it.

It can be hard being the group of volunteers that kept the ball rolling after the last youth director left. It’s easy to assume that if you don’t have a large volunteer base, the people who ran the program may very well be approaching burn-out.

It’s easy for volunteers to embrace the new youth director and say, “Welcome. I’m sooooo glad you are here. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do for you. I’d really like to stick around and help out, but I’ve been doing this for so long, I really need to take a step back and have some time off. Good luck, and remember, I’m here for you!”

Hello?! Can you say mixed signals? Here’s how the conversation should go:

“Oh my goodness, I’m so glad to finally meet you! I’m really looking forward to working with you. Though I helped to keep the ball rolling in the absence of a youth director, I knew that one of my most important jobs would be to help support you in your transition. Please, let me know how I can help. I’m looking forward to our meeting with you and the other volunteers to see what you need from us to help ease you into things.”

Next, you need to practice forgiveness.

Your new youth director, as stellar as he or she may appear, is not Christ. The best youth ministers make mistakes. And yes, they may even make a mistake with your youth (or gasp! your very own teenager). Shocking as it may be,  grace and mercy are the key. Youth workers are people, human, and they make mistakes the same as everyone else. But mistakes need not be pushed under the rug. Though they need to be addressed ( in a constructive, Matthew 18-ish sort of way), mistakes shouldn’t be held against the youth minister. Rather, mistakes are an opportunity to learn and grow.

You also need to have realistic expectations.

If your church has relatively remained the same size for the last 20 years, don’t expect your new youth director to double the size of your youth group within a certain time period. That’s ridiculous, especially if growth isn’t a core value or reality of your adult ministry.

Finally, don’t be nostalgic or reminiscent of “the good old days” regarding the last few youth directors. Chances are, the same techniques used 20 years ago won’t work today, so the worst thing you can say is, “Well, so and so did it this way, so I don’t understand why we can’t do it that way now.” Trust that your youth director knows what they’re doing, since you supposedly hired an expert youth worker.

These are just some ways that you can get off on the right foot with the newest member of your staff and church family.

The Youth Minister Left. Now What?

Many volunteer youth workers are left with this question when their youth director/minister has been fired or has resigned unexpectedly. This time of transition can be sad, confusing, and frustrating. It’s often a time for grieving. And though every church going through transition needs to discern the issues leading up to the exodus, it’s not a time for panic. In fact, now is the time to reflect and contemplate. A time to re-evaluate and…breathe.

First, smart churches are honest and transparent churches. Mistakes have probably been made, and now would be a good time to debrief what led up to the youth director’s exit. Have an open and honest conversation between the entire youth ministry leadership team, the clergy, and other church leadership. It’s important to admit when things could’ve been handled differently, rather than simply blaming the departed.

Simultaneously, do NOT try to cover things up with the students. Youth want to understand why their beloved youth minister has gone away. And it’s wrong to push it under the rug; don’t insult youth’s intelligence because you don’t necessarily understand either. Be honest with them, but most importantly, be there for them. Show them true leadership by keeping your cool.

Do NOT try to do everything the youth director did, especially if he or she was full-time. With the rest of the leadership team, determine what areas of the program can afford to be put on hold. Assign duties as wide as possible to lighten the load an any one person. If a large trip, such as a missions trip, is coming up, consider asking a current volunteer to plan and lead it. Depending on the amount of work that needs to be put into it, consider offering the volunteer a stipend for the work done.

Do NOT start the search process immediately. Consider the vacated youth director’s job description. Is it realistic? What strengths are required to do the job? What weaknesses are often associated with individuals that possess the qualities you seek in a qualified candidate? Be practical and consider ways that the current volunteer leadership is willing to support a new youth director.

Get educated. Read. I recommend reading Mark DeVries Sustainable Youth Ministry before searching for a new guy or gal. Make it required reading for the entire leadership team, as well as for the elder board or hiring committee. This resource will arm you with practical step-by-step advice on what is needed and for a successful youth ministry.

Finally, don’t forget about the youth during this period in time. Relationships are what matter most, so don’t be absent and burn out because too many “things” need to get done. Keep it simple. Keep it real. Keep it going…

Messy Rooms: A Symptom of a Greater Problem

O.k., I’ll admit it: I’m a nag.

I have three children, ages 11, 7, and 5. The two eldest, girls, share a room, and my son has his own space. And they know better than anyone how frustrated it makes me when I’m constantly picking up after them. Or worse, when I don’t pick up after them, when I don’t remind them to straighten up, and their rooms slowly turn into unrecognizable spaces more fit as anterooms to a trash heap.

It’s deeply annoying.

As a mom with ADHD, it’s always been a struggle for me to keep my home straight. It is a challenge for me to make my own bed daily and keep our communal living space tidy. However, it’s a feat that I’ve been living up to for the last year rather successfully. Since moving to a much more smaller space while my husband attends seminary, I’ve been forced to become more organized, and the process has been a joyful blessing. Life is better when one doesn’t have to worry about how messy their home is and hoping that nobody drops by unexpectedly. It’s almost pleasurable when someone does visit and I can breathe a sigh of relief when I don’t feel embarrassed by the state of disarray of my home.

Why the change? Other than the fact that it’s simply more enjoyable and less stressful to live a less cluttered life, it’s also a matter of good stewardship.

I was complaining to a girlfriend of mine who hasn’t been blessed with kids yet about how I get so stressed out over their messy rooms and their apathetic tendencies toward straightening up. She responded by claiming that she views it as a stewardship issue; and she’s right. Though it aggravates me, somehow I have been perpetuating my kids’ disregard for order.

Here’s the bottom line: Would God be pleased with the way we treat our belongings? Would God be happy with clutter? Somehow, I don’t think so.

You’ve heard the phrase ‘less is more’. Why is it true? Because less is easier to handle. Less is more manageable. Less requires minimal effort.

Unfortunately, clutter is a serious disregard to stewardship. One can justify their mess by claiming that they are too busy to straighten up after themselves, or that cleanliness and tidiness aren’t really important or what matters most. But that is immature, misguided at best. Justification isn’t going to help you get your life in order. And I can promise you that chaos isn’t in the equation for peace.

What’s the solution? One can’t expect to change overnight. To exchange bad habits for good ones,  try one thing at a time. I started by making my bed every day. And now, after a year of discipline, I can’t imagine not making my bed every morning after getting up. It’s automatic.

As for my kids’ rooms, we have a new motto: If you can’t find a place for it, then it doesn’t fit in our home. And if they don’t clean up after themselves, they know that their mom will. But  Mom doesn’t put their stuff away, she donates it to children who can handle living with more stuff. Miraculously, even the smallest Lego finds itself in its place.

Clutter simply isn’t holy.

What sort of things do you do to keep your own home orderly? How do you teach your children good stewardship? I’d love to hear about ways that you practice good stewardship in the home. Please share your tips about ways to exchange bad habits for good.

Volunteer Accountability

It’s tough being a volunteer or lay leader.

Volunteers are often under-appreciated, over-worked, and mis-managed. It can be equally difficult when a volunteer drops the ball. Sometimes volunteers don’t show up because they had something else to do, they forgot, or are simply burned out because they took on too much. Some volunteers get proprietary over “their” ministry because they are certain nobody can do it as well as he or she can. Why is this a major problem? Due to a number of reasons including the down-turn in the economy, many churches are being forced to cut paid positions such as sextons, administration, and even clergy. More churches are relying on volunteers more heavily, so it’s important that churches practice good habits concerning volunteers. A few practical steps can ensure that volunteers are nurtured and valued, but are also held accountable.

First, smart congregations have an inventory of the jobs that need to be performed. Sunday school teachers, youth leaders, chaperones, sextons, acolytes, altar guild members, vergers, choristers, coffee-hour coordinators, nursery attendants etc. need to have individual job descriptions for each role that they fill. The job description should contain a brief summary of expectations and an estimate of how long the job should take. Let’s face it, just because someone is a volunteer, doesn’t mean that the “job” is any less vital or deserving of a working job description.

All volunteers should sign a covenant (like a job agreement). A good covenant should consist of bulleted items that the volunteer will and will not do in and for the church, the community, and the world. Since every church is different, these covenants should reflect the uniqueness of the church community. Online covenants should not be adopted, rather they should be tailored with the specific church family in mind. A group of individuals that have managerial and/or HR experience would be a great group of people to ask for help with this.

Volunteers need affirmation. It’s easy to forget to say thank-you. An important, yet often overlooked function of paid clergy and staff is to lift up volunteers. Volunteers need to be thanked and thanked often. Volunteers supervising other volunteers need to remember that one role as supervisor is to thank and encourage their volunteers.

Finally, it’s important that covenants and job descriptions aren’t created, signed, and then lost or forgotten. These documents should be reviewed and updated yearly. Volunteers should have annual reviews. This can serve as an excellent way for clergy to help shepherd their congregants by helping them find ministries that suit their spiritual gifts. Covenants should be renewed every so often. It’s through taking these steps that churches may use these tools to help volunteers be accountable.